My Fat Story

 

            Have you ever stopped to wonder, “How did I get here?”  Here. Today. Now. I weigh 220.  I think by understanding our past, we can understand our present, and when we do, it may help us in the future. 220 is not bad….for a male, football player! But I am a middle-aged, medium-boned, 5’7 tall woman.

            It all began when I was born. Yea, I like to take things back to the root. I weighed 7.4 lbs on August 5^th, 1975. I started gaining weight right away and that was a good thing. I was perfectly proportioned until about 7 years old. I spent summers with my dad and his family and ate pretty well.  By pretty well I mean we had soda, chips and cookies on top of the regular meals of sugary cereal, PB&J sandwiches and delicious meat and vegetable dinners with plenty of bread and butter.  My dad liked to eat and cook! I learned a lot from him.  My mom liked to eat and cook too, we just did not have as much of the processed junk foods. 

            After one summer with my dad, we came home and I guess I grew a little too much, in the wrong way.  I can recall my mom telling people that I came back from my dad’s fat.  By ten, I was feeling really badly about myself. Looking at photos, you can see, I was a tiny bit overweight but I felt horrendous.  By 11, boys started noticing me, and I felt better about myself.  I thought if I were really that fat and ugly they probably would not be interested in me.  I had very pretty friends and boys always wanted them to be there girlfriends since we were very young.  I was never like them.  I never had good grades.  I did not think I was smart. I had been diagnosed with learning disabilities which now I know is linked to divorce. If I had any talent it was overshadowed by anyone else around me.  I always felt alone, misunderstood, unloved and afraid to be good at anything.  I thought, if anyone really knew me, they would not like me, and my good would never be good enough. I never felt loved by my parents or grandparents or anyone for that matter. Since I was too afraid to be myself no one ever really knew me. When I was 12, I decided to live with my dad.   The change of environment was literally life saving.  Boys, boys, boys! They flocked to me.  It was a really good way to boost my self-esteem.  But I was highly influenced by their poor habits.  For a while, I practically lived off of Coca-Cola!  I began smoking and doing drugs.  I was mildly anorexic.

            After a year, I moved back with my mom, people still called me “chubby” but I was really not at all fat. I was skinny! For me! I was like a new person when I moved back to California.  I had a close boy friend and maintained a long distance relationship for a couple years.  He held my heart! But life goes on. I continued to make friends with others who accepted me because I did drugs, drank and rocked on!  It feels good to be accepted, especially, when you have felt so rejected your whole life.  Slowly, deep seeded insecurities took over again and it was a constant battle to bury them throughout all of high school.  I was never as skinny as I would have liked.  I only really felt good about myself if I could get a guy to have sex with me.  If a guy wanted to have sex with me, I was not interested in him; I was actually grossed out by most guys who wanted to be sexual.  Guys can be really gross!  Some of you who are reading this may be thinking I sound pretty gross too!  Not that it is any excuse, but promiscuity is very common among children of divorced parents and broken homes in general.

            During my senior year of high school I began starving myself again. I lost weight and looked great! I had a boyfriend and we were very sexually active. He did not know I did drugs.  It was easy to hide because I only did them recreationally and was never addicted.  I think I weighed about 145 and felt really happy with how my clothes were fitting me. After graduating from high school, I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ, he so transformed my heart that my life turned completely around.  I stopped smoking, drinking, drugging, kissing, screwing, I even stopped listening to heavy metal music.  All of those things summed up my life.  Food was the only “acceptable” drug in the church!  You can imagine I wanted to get married asap so sex could be an “acceptable” part of my life again too. But I was only 18 and my boyfriend and I had only known each other two and a half years, so we waited.  When we did finally get married three years later, at 22, I weighed 173.  I felt so horribly fat.  I tried to lose weight the healthy way but it was not working with all the stress of planning a wedding and being a full time student.  After our wedding, I had a great job for a whole two months.  Married life was nothing short of disastrous.  I gained 50 pounds practically overnight. We were so bad for each other but that is not what this story is about.   

            Losing weight seemed impossible.  I joined weight watchers and gained 10 pounds.  I worked out regularly but that did nothing!   Three years later, I conceived our daughter, weighing in at 225.  When she was born I reached 260 something.  I heard that the weight would slip off easily while breastfeeding.  I breastfed for 14 months and lost maybe ten pounds. 

            With my marriage constantly on the rocks, weight loss never seemed the priority.  Food was my only comfort. My husband always told me he liked me the way I was but knew I was not at a healthy weight. I met a new friend in 2001.  We each had a daughter the same age.  We both liked working out, talking about health and challenging each other with new weight loss goals. I discovered that I am very competitive! I was down to 180 when things in my marriage seemed different.  Good felt weird. I was not at all comfortable and without realizing what I was doing I packed on as much weight as I could, as quickly as I possibly could, until I felt comfortable again.

            Luckily, my church was starting a new weight loss support group called Lose It For Life.  I began attending to learn instead of lose. In describing my behavior I coined the term “foodicidal”. I knew I needed some deep emotional healing before I would feel comfortable at a healthy weight.  So, instead of focusing on my outward appearance, I began looking at my soul. Over the past decade I have lost some weight and gained it back many times within a ten pound range. I believe that “slow and steady wins the race”.   When I do reach a healthy weight I want to be able to maintain it with in a ten pound range. I’m hoping I will be comfortable at 170.  I have 50 pounds to go! I’m still learning.  Always learning, always growing (in the right way)!

            God has done SO MUCH to heal my soul but that is for another story!

Heal Leaky Gut

Never stop learning! I think I will make this my new motto for life. I woke up at 6 a.m. this morning to listen to a webinar on Healing Leaky Gut. I've heard that the more you know, the more responsibility you have to do something about it. Well, I have known that the reason for my poor health is inflammation due to leaky gut but I have done little about it. Sure, I stopped taking Advil and Aleve. I have reduced my gluten and dairy intake. I have even incorporated kombucha and coconut oil into my diet. But the truth is I know to do so much more but I just have not done it. Okay, okay! I won't beat myself up so much. Consistency is key! I need to consistently keep out the foods that cause me a problem and consistently add in the foods that heal my gut.
The webinar was taught by Dr. Josh Axe. http://draxe.com/ He is a Functional Medicine doctor like my friend Ionela. http://drionelahubbard.com/main.html I highly recommend her, no matter what your medical issues are. They are both able to help you heal. I would be a consistent patient if I had the finances. I would send all my friends and family to her if I could. She is gifted at teaching! Sorry! I digress! Today's webinar helped me further my knowledge on Leaky Gut Syndrome and re-inspired me to take my health to the next level. I contemplated signing up for what sounded like an incredible offer but I chose to save myself some money and just ordered some new cookbooks instead.
I have been wanting to incorporate more fermented foods into my diet but lacked the knowledge to do so, so I ordered Fermentation for Beginners: The Step-By-Step Guide to Fermentation and Probiotic Foods
The whole concept of Bone Broth is new to me but it was #1 on his list of "Perfect Foods" so I ordered Bone Broth Secret: A Culinary Adventure in Health, Beauty, and Longevity
 I am really looking forward these new recipes!

Getting Healthy Again

In December I obtained medical insurance and visited a Rheumatologist, Physical Therapist, Dermatologist and I am still working my way down the list. One thing at a time. I was tested for Rheumatoid Arthritis and the results for the RA were "off the charts" as the doc explained. He put me on Metheltrexate which is a chemo drug, therefore I do not want to be on it, but it has helped a little from what I can tell. Before I began taking it I had done a seven day fast with mostly water but did drink some "Mean Green Machine" juice (Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead)  After the third day I had practically NO pain! Which tells us that the fasting reduced the inflammation which is the culprit for all my pain and stiffness.  I still need the medication for now because my numbers are too high and because I am lacking self-control to stay away from inflammatory foods.

 I knew that inflammation due to Leaky Gut Syndrome was the cause of my arthritis so why did I/do I not heal my gut and be done with Arthritis? I am still trying to figure that one out. I guess there is a difference between knowing and knowing with conviction.

I had come across Barbara Allen's book Conquering Arthritis a long time ago while searching for recipes for non-dairy probiotics online. She cured herself of Arthritis by healing her gut. I knew/know I can too but I am still working on it.

Meanwhile, I have many other health concerns which need addressing which involve skin cancer surgeries, dentistry, and gynecology (yuck!).  I did some Physical Therapy which helped tons. Plus, continuing to force myself to work at my very physical job has helped to increase my strength and flexibility.

Detox Update

I am terrible at being consistent with posting. I will remember and forget multiple times until I accidently stumble across this long forgotten blog and realize I meant to post an update. So now finally here it is: I did the gal bladder detox the one time and then I did a little research on it. I found confirmation to what I had been thinking on quack watch. It says the ingredients we are consuming are creating the "stones" which they call soap stones. It would not be worth it for me to continue as you would have to do it multiple times to see true results and the one time I did it caused me to have to wear Vaseline on my bum for days since the salt burned my skin severely. Not worth the risk of it possibly not being as detoxifying as it claims. There are many other ways to detox that are efficient and safe.  A friend of mine informed me that after doing the gal bladder detox many times she came out of it with no more "stones".  This would suggest that quack watch and my theory is not accurate! But like I said I am not willing to find out for myself!

I was consistent with dry brushing and oil pulling and found the dry brushing had a good effect. I also began using apple cider vinegar in my water. I cannot see any effects from it yet but trust it is balancing the acid in my system like it is supposed to which is a very good thing :)

Five Simple Detoxing Practices

Besides doing the Liver Cleanse I plan to implement these five detoxing tools beginning tomorrow as well!

http://kulamama.com/5-ways-to-detox-after-the-holidays/

Liver and Gallbladder Cleanse

A friend loaned me a book called The Liver and Gallbladder Miracle Cleanse by Andreas Moritz. It explains how clogged bile ducts prevents the liver and gallbladder from doing their job which is to filter the body of toxins. This messes with the whole circulation of the body and can cause clogged lymph glands as well. So, tomorrow I will begin the six day cleanse and see what happens!

Wake Up Call

I cannot remember the last time I weighed myself. I have no idea how much I weigh.  I have just been letting it go since I do not go to the gym any longer (where I use the scale).  It hurts to workout. I wish I had been more diligent to journal here or even at all. I have really been lost in all this and have gone no where, continuing to learn more but not taking action.  How many times do I have to re-learn what I already know before I will take up the practices necessary to get well? I guess the pain has not been severe enough to make me take it more seriously or Advil and Aleve help enough that it makes me forget what I need to be doing to get well. I am determined that the RA is not the worst of my problems.  My feet and hands are not completely stiff when I wake up each morning any longer. Now the worst of it are my arms. I wake many times in the night from arm pain, whether I am on my back or sides. I believe it is due to clogged lymph glands. Other recent symptoms include knee pain on a semi-regular basis, ankle pain, foot pain, each alternating between legs. My right foot feels as though my arch fell. I have strange bumps that have formed on the back of each heel. My toes are growing more crooked. My hands never cease to hurt. The fingers on my right hand need help to bend. When I point with my index finder they do not straighten out all the way. I no longer have full flexibility in my wrists either.  I have gained some strength back in my arms and legs due to lifting babies at work. Most tasks prove extremely difficult but I insist on doing them unless it is impossible after several attempts, like opening a water bottle, then I will ask for help.  It is not about weight loss for me anymore, that would just be an added benefit, well I guess good health was always my aim but now it is getting serious! It is clear to me I am not well and it is not a fleeting bout of arthritis or clogged lymph that will go away with one lymphatic drainage massage. I need lifestyle changes and fast! Or else......