How did I get here?

When I was really young, my Aunt introduced me to Jane Fonda Workout, and from then on I was addicted. Sometimes I would do it two and three times a day. When I was sixteen my mom bought me a lifetime gym membership. Same thing sometimes I would go twice in one day! I have always loved working out especially aerobics and more recently pilates. Besides this, I have always loved body building. When I was young I thought I would look like the muscle women in magazines. I loved Arnold's muscles and just thought he was the cutest thing. So, why have I been 'fat' all my life?

First of all, I have not really been fat all my life. I only thought I was fat when I was not! Where did I get the idea that I was fat then?

Many areas! I remember my mom telling me or others how when I was seven I came back from my dads one summer and I was fat! Now I know that is a stage when hormones begin to kick in and we store fat a little easier but most children will burn it off throughout the various growing spurts. Another way I got the idea I was fat was in comparing myself to other children. Some were bigger and some were smaller. I paid no attention to those who were bigger. I only focused on the fact that I was bigger than some!

By twelve I was very interested in starving myself. And I tried for a while. Even being concerned about the calories in toothpaste. Where I got that idea I do not know! Maybe it was after my boyfriends mom said I was 'puggy'!

At thirteen I did a report on anorexia and I think it scared me and educated me of the dangers. Not worth it!

Always thinking of myself as fat, I shyed away from many activities, beach days, swimming, dances. I was also informed by many growing up about how white my skin was as well. This led me to daydream about being tan and brunett. To say the least, I was not accepting of my appearence. What helped me accept myself was the attention I was getting from boys. It was not much, but there were a few who made me feel worth while.

I had a few girlfriends who had tan skin and were not at all 'puggy'. When I was with them I witnessed how boys flipped out by there presence. Looking back I am glad I did not have that much attention. Looking back I can see how distorted my vision of myself was. If I had seen myself the way I really looked I would have caused myself way less suffering. If I had been only concerned with what was going on inside of me I would have saved myself for something better. I settled for what I could get because I thought I was lucky. Now I see I was needy.

The more I did not accept or love myself the heavier my burden was to carry and the heavier my body became. The worse I felt about my life, the worse I took care of myself. My health became way at the bottom of my priority list. There has always been someone or something more important that I gave my time and attention to. I do not blame my parents or myself for what happened in my life. I am grateful for the life I have, the body I have and the love I have in my life. From now on I am putting myself back up at the top of the priority list. My health matters because my life matters. And so does yours!

Determined

I need to start making my health a priority!